A Modest Proposal: Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission

(Note: This post is a satire.)

A number of outlets have criticized the recent Supreme Court decision Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, which struck down restrictions on corporate spending during elections.

I also disagree with the decision: it does not go far enough.

As every conservative knows, the Second Amendment is by far the most important part of the Constitution. It reads that:

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

It is high time to extend the Second Amendment to corporations.

After all, the Supreme Court argues that corporations constitute human beings with feelings and rights, such as the freedom of speech. If speaking freely is fundamental to a corporation’s human dignity, so is bearing arms.

It may be slightly difficult for a company to own a gun, but there is a solution. Remember that the Second Amendment talks about “A well regulated Militia.” If corporations “bear Arms” by hiring private militias, they can then exercise their Second Amendment rights.

Think about it. Corporations need to be protected from the government. What happens if the government tries to take away their rights? The fact is, if corporations don’t protest when they take one right, they’ll take them all. It’s about having the ability to resist the government if it ever gets to corrupt.

So if the government decides to fight Goldman Sachs, Goldman Sachs and its privately owned militia is going to fight back – thanks to the Supreme Court’s logic and the Second Amendment.

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